Dear Birmingham Baptists,
Once, I had a pastor’s wife sit across from me—blotting tears. She said, “I have two special-needs children. Some of the ladies in our church don’t understand why my children don’t sit perfectly still like the other children. My children are created and loved by God, just like they are! Why can’t they see that? I am afraid it is going to hurt my husband’s job! It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. What do I do?” How many other professions are there in which the professional’s spouse and family are laden with expectations?
October was a month many celebrated as Ministers Appreciation Month. Several churches recognized their spiritual leaders. Generous donors partnered with the BMBA to present Chick-fil-A gift cards and BMBA merchandise to pastors across the association. Each display of honor and gratitude was needed and commendable. Yet, I have a question: What about pastor’s wives and ministry spouses?
My wife Carol has moved nine times for our ministry, gave up her “dream job,” and served alongside me in church planting while working full-time. She’s lived in a “glass house” and displayed grace under immense pressure. All three of our children have a positive, healthy impression of the local church. Carol has worked hard to keep discussions about church politics away from the dinner table. She desires no recognition for the incredible job she has done for twenty-five years in ministry.
Have you considered the tremendous personal cost demanded of our ministry spouses? These special servants are entangled with the church’s culture and bear the weight of spiritual responsibility as a co-laborer in Gospel ministry. I am not asking you or your church to write them a check, give them a gift, or throw a party. Just understand. Be courteous and respectful to them in appreciation for the sacrifices they make. “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:10, ESV). Minister’s wives deserve a double portion of goodness from our congregations!
A few years ago, a pastor shared with me his wife’s struggle: “The ladies in the church became my wife’s fast friends. They invited her to their homes. Sometimes, the ladies met for coffee, and my wife looked forward to it. Until I disagreed with a deacon over the church budget. This deacon was married to one of my wife’s friends. Now, my wife has been cut off by the entire group. They treat her like she doesn’t exist. My wife has cried almost every night for days.” I hope you are beginning to understand the unique challenges faced by ministry spouses.
Sincerely, I could go on and on.
Don’t misunderstand. Minister’s families—for the most part—are treated with love and respect. Many churches revere the families of pastors and church leadership and look for ways to acknowledge their essential role in the church’s life. The pastor and staff’s families get a front-row seat to God’s work in the church. These faithful servants wouldn’t trade their opportunity to be examples for anything in the world.
The Apostle Peter wrote, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9, ESV). Pastor’s wives and staff families, God will bless you for your hard work and sacrifice! God will meet your needs.
To each of you, we say, “Do not grow weary in doing good” (2 Thessalonians 3:13, ESV). You are loved and appreciated.
With sincere gratitude,
Chris Crain,
Executive Director of BMBA