I recently had the opportunity to teach a session on grace-filled communication and conflict resolution. As I looked around the room, I could see nods of recognition because everyone—whether a pastor, church leader, or faithful member—has experienced the consequences of poor communication. A careless word spoken in frustration, an email sent too quickly, or a misunderstanding left unresolved can wreak havoc on relationships, churches, and ministries.
We all know the power of words. A single sentence can help to heal a wounded heart, but it can also split a church. A well-timed word of encouragement can change a person’s life, while an ill-timed rebuke can crush their spirit. That’s why we must be diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit, not just in what we say, but in how we say it.
In leadership, credibility is the foundation, but communication is the vehicle that moves everything forward. No matter how wise, discerning, or trustworthy a leader is, without effective communication, their influence will always be limited.
Listening Before Speaking
James 1:19 reminds us, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Most of us do the opposite—we are quick to speak, slow to hear, and all too quick to get frustrated when we are misunderstood. NASA’s Mars Climate Orbiter serves as a sobering reminder of the importance of clear communication. This $125 million spacecraft burned up because one engineering team used metric measurements while the other used imperial. A small miscommunication led to total mission failure.
In churches, families, and workplaces, a misunderstood directive, a thoughtless remark, or a lack of clarity can lead to division and unnecessary conflict. Listening is not passive—it is an intentional act of leadership. Jesus modeled this when He asked thoughtful questions before giving answers, whether speaking with the woman at the well (John 4) or His disciples (Matthew 16:15). If we want to lead well, we must learn to listen well.
Tone and Timing Matter
Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us there is “a time to keep silent, and a time to speak.” Even the right words, spoken at the wrong time or in the wrong tone, can do damage. I learned this lesson firsthand on a flight back from Hyderabad, India. I was feverish, exhausted, and barely holding it together. Behind me, a frustrated passenger was speaking rapid Russian, angry that my seat was reclined. Before I could process what was happening, he lunged forward, yelling in a language I couldn’t understand.
Then, a flight attendant stepped in—not with aggression, not by matching his frustration, but with a calm tone and measured words. She diffused the conflict in an instant. That moment reminded me that leadership is not about reacting in emotion but responding with wisdom. A gentle word at the right time can de-escalate even the most heated situations.
Conflict Can Be an Opportunity,
Not a Threat
Many people avoid conflict, hoping it will resolve itself. But unresolved tension doesn’t disappear—it deepens. Paul tells us in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This means we have a responsibility to address conflict in a way that brings restoration.
Implementing the first step outlined in Matthew 18:15-17 resolves most issues. It facilitates direct communication, eliminating misunderstandings. It prevents embarrassment by allowing for private discussion. It fosters trust and prevents conflicts from escalating. Didn’t Jesus Christ demonstrate profound wisdom by instructing us to address conflicts this way? When we follow step one, we rarely need to use steps two or three.
Addressing Conflict Quickly
Ephesians 4:26-27 warns, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” The longer conflict lingers, the more room Satan has to create division.
I try to follow a principle I call the Two-Day Rule. Sometimes, we need to let emotions settle before responding. But we can’t let that cooling-off period turn into avoidance. The longer we wait, the harder reconciliation becomes.
Forgiveness is not a feeling—it’s an act of obedience that sometimes leads to a feeling. Corrie ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor, understood this better than most. After the war, she met a former guard from the Ravensbrück concentration camp. He had since become a Christian and asked for her forgiveness. Every part of her resisted, but she prayed, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.”
As she extended her hand, she later recalled, “The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, and sprang into our joined hands. Then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’” Unforgiveness chains us to the past. Grace-filled communication sets us free.
The Power of Encouraging Words
Our words have the power to destroy or to heal. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
Who has been an encourager in your life? Who saw something God was doing in you before you saw it in yourself? Maybe it was a teacher, a pastor, or a mentor. Now, ask yourself: Who are you encouraging today? Encouragement isn’t just about making people feel better—it’s about calling them forward into what God has for them. It’s the difference between someone walking away from their calling and stepping boldly into it.
Final Thoughts
The words we choose today will shape our legacy. Are we building a culture of clarity, grace, and wisdom? Or are our words causing confusion, division, and hurt? Keeping the unity of the Spirit in our churches, families, and communities requires intentional, grace-filled communication. Let’s listen before we speak, be wise in our tone and timing, address conflict biblically, and build each other up with our words. Because leadership isn’t just about what we accomplish—it’s about how we leave people when we’re gone.